Last night seemed like most any other night. I did stay up late working on a gift for a friend and I had been reading in my bible about Job as well as some other verses related to tears, crying out, sorrow, hearts, etc.
I went to bed a little later than I was planning but I just wasn't very tired. Eventually I fell asleep, but by about 2:00am I was awake again. I used the restroom reluctantly because I didn't want to get out of my warm bed. After I returned I just laid there. That's when my brain started thinking in overdrive. Usually I think of too many things anyway and it can keep me up at night, but this night was different.
All of a sudden a flood of emotions washed over me. At first I started thinking about events in my childhood which started with the "what-if's" and "wishing I could see what it would have been like to not be seperated from my brothers/dad". Normally I am able to talk about my past openly and have felt that I wrestled with the tough emotions of it all years ago. It's been nearly 20 years since my parents seperated, in fact by this summer it will be 20 years that we moved from Arizona to Wisconsin and my dad went to Korea for a full year away from us. That's when I believe what ever issues going on in my parents relationship that were dividing their hearts began to get much worse. I never really was aware that there was anything wrong until then.
Part of me wanted to feel guilty for wishing I could go back in time and have a "re-do"...because I know that those paths lead to the family and life I have now...but at the same time I began to feel angry and sorrowful and said in my mind "God why can't it be different....why did it have to happen that way..." After a few moments my mind settled on some of the events of my life that resulted afterward as well as some of those of my brothers. Yeah I'll admit that there is this tiny piece of me that was jealous that they got to live in Colorado Springs and go skiiing and live in this really nice house while I was in just about the opposite conditions. That's when it got heavy.
I started shouting in my mind things I probably would have said outloud if my husband weren't sleeping peacefully next to me.
I was saying (thinking) so many things that I wish I could have written this in the moment when my heart was crying out from the depths of pain. I even considered getting my netbook out and just dumping it all out in the page.
Some of the things I remember were:
"It SUCKS that we had to be torn apart. It SUCKS that my dad had to live in Korea for a full year and then return to the breaking apart of his family. It SUCKS that poor little Chris was only 5 years old at the time and had to leave all that he knew of family to drive alone with his brother and dad to a new state, a new home, and no mommy or sister. It SUCKS that they ended up living with a woman who was verbally, mentally, and at times physically abusive. It SUCKS that I was told I had to decide who to live with when I was only about 13 and that I was scared to talk to a judge and that I had not the faintest idea of what was happening or what it would mean in my life. It SUCKS that I had to move to a new town where I had no friends, where I was accused of being a thief my first day of school, where I was made fun of, picked on, bullied, depressed, sexually abused, physically abused, alone, where I found drugs...alcohol....where I had to feel completely alone and despairing/suicidal at times. It SUCKS that through all of that I had to completely lose the friendship of my brothers and become strangers."
I think I probably said SUCKS in my mind about all those statements (and dozens more that I don't remember just now) more than I have ever used that word and to be honest I have no idea why that was the KEY word there.
Then the tears came.
I normally don't cry much over anything and in my youth was very hard that way. I just started sobbing so much so that my sheets were very wet. It was hard to muffle my cries and my nose started running and my body just hurt. Finally it did wake up my husband and he put his arm around me. It took quite a bit of strength and concentration to calm the storm within so I wouldn't feel embarassed to be crying in front of him. I still didn't fully realize why I was crying so hard...or even why this was happening. I cried for a little bit more and my eyes watered for a while longer before I fully calmed down.
I wish I had more time to disect the events of last night and write them out fully. As I sit here typing this in my P.J.'s I have to leave in 30 minutes for a Beth Moore bible study.
I don't know what to make of all of this. I wasn't blaming God...but I think maybe He knew that I had never fully grieved over all of those events. I looked to worldy things to comfort my pain over the years, talked about it to the point I believed I was healed, but deep down in my heart there was still pain hiding there. Sorrow for the two brothers I have that don't know me (& vice versa). The opportunities lost and the way that all those events changed each one of us. I know that in some ways I feel that I changed for the worse as far as my ability to socialize, trust others, be able to be outgoing or struggle with some social anxiety.
I do have to say though that on the positive side it has allowed me to have a strong heart for those who are considered underdogs, those that are looked down upon, those that everyone else calls nerds, freaks, losers, disabled, homeless, worthless....etc. It has given me insight and passion about things in life that, had my past been different, I may have never even considered before. I know that in this life we will have suffering...and I have had some, but I know that there are those who have suffered greater than I and I don't share these things to seek pity. They are just thoughts from the raw emotion of an evening with God. I don't think I fell back asleep until about 4:00am.
Sometimes I wish there was a way to share all these feelings openly with my family with out fear, criticism, anger, retalliation. There is great division in my family and I am not sure where I stand with my father's wife. My youngest brother and I have talked a couple times over the years...but sometimes I think to him I'm a stranger that he knows he's related to but that we had completely different lives. The middle brother and I talk more often, we were quite close until the seperation. Yet...there are years lost in our lives that we can't relate with each other and only time will tell if there is ever full healing in our family.
My heart goes out today to those hurting, to those who are children of divorce or facing it in their own lives...or those who have gone through it. This past summer I thought that was a road in front of me...I remember that then was another time I cried out to God from the depth of my soul in anguish. For someone who rarely ever cries....these moments with God are raw and harsh. I sob so hard that I'm sure my face is all scrunched up and my nose is running all over the place....things I don't like people to see...crying so hard that I can't control it. Maybe those are the moments where God knows I need them because usually I am trying to control my uncomfortable emotions to the point of stifiling them.
God continues to work in me, in my family, and in my marriage. I pray that He will help me daily to seek Him and not allow me feel bad if I get too busy sometimes. I pray that He will give me words of life in tough situations or help me to keep my mouth shut. :) ;)
May I be able to live in the view of God's mercy and in mind of Micah 6:8.
"He has told you, O man what is good; And what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God."
(p.s.---if I don't go now and get dressed I'm going to be late. Ha Ha)
