I've been tired a lot lately. I'm not really sleeping too well the first portion of the night, but better the second more towards morning. This usually causes me to be too tired in the morning and not as functional until the afternoon.
I've been feeling less effective in my parenting (and other relationships) and essentially very near to what I would call more bi-polar. Many times I am glad that most people around me do not know the full breadth of the thoughts that occur in my mind on any one given day.
I started a very in-depth bible study in the spring, but as of late have gotten a smidge behind. I've just been in a funk and struggling to emotionally and socially keep my head above water. Most people around me may be unaware. I am consistantly battling the barrage of insecurity. I am finding it harder and harder to be fully content with the truth of God's love for me when I feel very unliked by the majority of those around me. (blindness of inner torment?) Many times I shrug it off and say to myself..."HELLO, people don't feel that way, it's just in your head"...and try to lift my chin and enjoy the world around me. Then I find myself in awkward social situations and feel that people don't want me there and mentally struggle to not let it show that I am feeling this way. Most of the time I don't share this and bottle it in because either 1)I don't want people to feel obligated to be "friendly" with me because otherwise I'd be depressed or 2) people to think that I'm so self centered that I just want attention. I wish I could just make it go away...but it never stops coming back and I don't know how much of it is how people feel, how much of it has become "self-fulfilling-prophecy", or how much is just in my head. I just desire truthful/trustworthy friends around me that will help me grow in my faith and vice versa.
--lookin' for some Iron...not perfection though or I would disqualify myself.
Maybe mid-point in the bible study I was finally starting to see clarity, walk with joy in my step, and feel some of the bonds breaking off for good this time. It seemed though that the moment was somewhat brief and began to have all the heavy thoughts again.
I don't want my faith to be on "the sand" and I know what I believe...but many times I feel so torn and so defeated. I want to live my faith but struggle not to feel rejected by others in the faith. I have to remind myself that we are all human and can have bad days, someone may be frustrated with my questions/comments, but more-so because they are frustrated with something else. I wish sometimes that I had close friends or even a best friend...but sometimes I wonder if I am not in turn striving to be closer to God when I am in this way.
Now I do have some friends, some closer than others, but I would guess that I would fail answering many questions about their interests, favorites, where they met their spouse, where they went to school, do they have siblings...etc. I think people that have deep relationships with others are very lucky people. :)
I may even have a couple friends that I feel close enough to that I want to hug when I see them because I am so glad to see them.
What's the deal then...with my brain. How can I be feeling free and walking in Joy one week, and the next despairing and struggling to stay afloat? Or happy one minute and raging the next. Many times I just want to say "why can't I be normal?" but then I have to ask myself..."what is normal and who decides what normal is?".
Are there others that feel the same way as me and is there something I've been missing all these years to get past it?...is there a reason for some future purpose?....is there a dis-connect in my brain or too much trauma in my childhood years?
I don't know...I guess much of what I was thinking before I started typing was lost in the distraction of the home environment.
I just feel like I'm struggling...like something is just wrong with me and I don't know what...or maybe nothing is wrong and I'm involved in something of the spiritual nature. I feel like there is a heaviness between me and my spouse and I wish that I could get out of this funk.
I need wisdom and clarity from God to defeat this before things get worse. I have a pretty strong will to keep on going...but it won't be the quality of life that God would intend for me or my family. I don't know how to fix "me" or any of the other things going on...I can't fully say all that I would like to, but if you stumble upon this note and have read thus far, please just pray for me. I've had a long road in life for someone my age and I just really need God to help me. I have 4 young children and want them to walk in freedom from the issues that I deal with on a daily basis.
May God bless those who read this to have understanding and wisdom in the name of Jesus, Amen.
Thank you!
