Tonight I have been sitting at my computer too long...scrolling, clicking, reading...
It has been a weird week for me. I have felt very tired many days. I think part of it was due to allergies or a small sinus-cold. I'm starting to feel better tonight.
Today some of my mom's group friends planted Farrah's tree. She passed away last fall due to a sudden onset brain cancer shortly after she had her third child. Some day's it's hard for me to believe that she's gone...gone to heaven. I made it to the church just as they were finishing up the little dedication. My afternoon hadn't gone so well...had headache's most of the day and then supper was late and Jasmine had an accident on the girls beds...bath time...and somehow I was able to make it yet just for a few minutes to be with my friends for the dedication.
When I opened this page tonight to write, I didn't know what I would write about. Some days I feel a strong tugging to write about something in particular, but today I didn't. I sat here and clicked on it and then thought...what now? I know I've been meaning to write more regularly, but always complain about a 'lack of time'.
A lot has been going on in my life the past year. I could write about that...but I probably won't. There are things coming up that are exciting I could post about...but those aren't for today. I just had a thought about my short prayer last night. I wondered to God if my inconsistant prayer life is related to my life experiences within my family. I am not very close to any of my family in the sense that most people are. Sometimes many of us go 1, 2, 10, 20 years between talking or seeing each other. Everyone is too busy. I don't talk to my parents very often. Sometimes see them once or twice a year if that...so what is it that causes me to go through very rich seasons of prayer, bible study, and growth? Then...out of the blue there is a desert season of time in my prayer life and bible study time. It's not that I don't know where I stand, or what I believe. It's not even really about anything I can pinpoint.
I think about how much I moved in my life. How little connection I have to people around me on a deeper level. Maybe my brain hasn't been conditioned to engage in the ways many other people do relationally.
So, I wonder. I do think about God every day, often, at least once or twice a day if not a dozen or two...but I don't pray/dialogue as often as I would think would be beneficial to a healthy relationship. ~Such as my relationship with my grandmother. I have one that I care about deeply...I love her, but we are not close and I think it has been at least 2 years since we talked. I feel bad about it, but for some reason I never seem to make the time to just call or write to her. Some people would say in turn that I don't love her because of that and I hope she doesn't feel that way.
This is an area perhaps I need to find answers and healing. I have been broken in a relational way for many reasons and I want to model to my kids how to really build healthy relationships somehow. Even my other grandmother that I'm a lot closer to usually has to call me more than I make an effort to call or see her. I want to...I'd visit her every week if I lived closer.
My relationship to my father is a bit fractured as well. I go through moments of my life where I feel very sad about it and wish that we were closer...that there wasn't so much time lost. Could this also be related to why I am consistantly wishing I had a closer relationship with God and a better consistancy in my prayer/devotion time? I've thought about this a few times.
Many things I see, do, or say daily cause me to think of scripture or God Himself. I very much enjoy biblestudy, yet I tend to waste my free time.
A friend of mine pointed out once that perhaps my "time wasting" was due to marriage stress...that's possible. I strive to live life feeling that the acceptance that matters is that of God and not of man, but occasionally it get's to me and the anxiety and the other issues try to surface again.
I guess my thoughts are a little bit scattered...I do have a lot on my mind, however I feel so at peace about a lot of things. I don't know if some of my friends can tell since I tend to share with them some of the struggles/stresses more than anything. I suppose it's just that I trust them to share insight with me. I need to try to share more than that with them, leave some mystery to myself instead of dumping things on people all the time and go back to the 'old Sam' that is concerned first with how other people are doing and -listening. :)
