I've had a few personal God-teachings come to mind lately that God had given me word pictures for and I really wish I would have made time to write them down. He always seems to help me see things the way I need to when going through hard times. I love how the Creator will use creative means to speak to a creative-type person. :)
This blog posting is dedicated to Dina who commented to me a couple weeks ago that she missed my writing and was very encouraging to me.
~~~Returning to Saul and the spark that got me thinking tonight...
I can't help but think of times in my own life when I hear his story. Albeit my life is quite different...I remember the emotional responses. (Read Acts chapter 9 for the section on the road to Damascus)
My first flash back would be to Jr. High, in the locker room. There was a girl there that was fairly new to the school, but something about her intrigued me and I thought she was kind of cool. I would talk to her on occasion and I don't really remember the full context of our conversation that day, but I do remember her response. "My mom and I don't believe in God, I don't believe in God" was what she said.
I remember playing off the rest of the conversation on another topic while I stood at the door waiting for her...but in the back of my mind I thought it was odd. I had never even considered that there was an option before. I just assumed it was something everyone believed in. So many people wearing cross necklaces, going to church on Sunday...how did I get along all this time in my life up to 7th grade and not realize that it was an option?
I think it was weird though that I had this internal dialogue looking back on it. I didn't actively pray or read my bible as a kid other than occasionally reciting the "now I lay me prayer" before bedtime. I guess I just felt connected to God as a kid and trusted Him. I grew up going to a Lutheran church and when we were able to attend I loved it. I was immersed in choir, helping with the nursery, and trying out for plays when there was a chance. I loved everything about it as a kid.
When my dad went to Korea the summer after 5th grade we needed to move and I guess around the age of 11 or so we stopped going to church. Through life situations between then and leading up to 7th grade, this lead me into a spiral of thoughts over the following years about what to believe in...so many choices out there...so many different paths that people take to escape life, to look for purpose...to find acceptance.
When your world gets rocked...you may grasp at straws.
I remember over the months and years that passed...facing hardships, being bullied A LOT, the transition of a family split, difficult situations with police/abusers....I became hard. I started to become annoyed if anyone at school talked about God...in fact I got more than annoyed, I got quite angry. I remember in one class wanting to leave if someone there didn't shut up about it.
I started hanging out downtown with some friends and one of the places we frequented was a christian youth outreach center. I think I had gone there a couple times before I realized it was a God centered place.
I was still in the mind-set of looking for opportunities to escape life, to drink, get high, party, find self-worth through relationships, car surfing, what ever it was that seemed fun even if it risked my/our lives or put me/us at odds with the law or family.
I remember one day one of my good friends telling me in confidence that she had finally talked with "the Jesus guy" that often visited this youth center (a youth pastor from a local church). She mentioned that it was really starting to impact her and that she was really wanting to visit their church and check out their youth group.
At this phase in my life when ever I closed my eyes all I saw was skulls. I mention this because I was sleeping over at her house that night and not sleeping much because every time I closed my eyes it was weird. That and who sleeps at a sleepover! :)
-----I was hard...I told her it was a freakish cult and to stay away from them.
Years later I did regret talking her out of an opportunity that could have changed her life forever.
I will never know. :/
Oddly enough...just a matter of months after that incident God worked out an opportunity for me.
That night I couldn't find my friends and decided to take a walk up the alley to see if they had possibly gone to one of the new coffee shops. I didn't normally walk this way, but it was a nice night. I turned right after the alley and headed around the block towards one of the goth clubs in case my friends were out in front of there. No luck.
I turned right again past another coffee shop, pizza place, and tattoo parlor when I saw the youth pastor and some of his youth walking towards me.
In my mind I wanted to turn around at first. I quickly talked myself out of it though because I figured I could just walk past them and it wouldn't be a big deal. Besides, I was tougher than they were.
When they approached me I didn't really look at them but kept walking. I don't remember the exact details of that evening, but in my memory the first words I remember the pastor saying to me were
" Do you Believe in God ?"
I think in a millisecond I remembered my childhood in church, that moment in 7th grade, all the decisions I had made in the between time...everything and all that was in me knew I couldn't say no. I initially tried to rationalize it...I thought UGH...if I answer them I'll have to stay there and talk to them...I should just keep walking. But it almost seemed like there was a dome over us and we were separated from the rest of the world for a moment. I looked up into the sky and back at them...I even remember thinking if I said no I'd be struck down right there.
I mumbled a soft yes...
...and then they went over what that means.(Prayer of salvation, Who Jesus is, Why He is important, etc.)
We talked for a while, they invited me to a youth trip and I couldn't believe what was happening. Within a few minutes of our conversation ending two of my friends rushed up and took me by the arms and walked me off saying that they had been looking for me "forever". There was a moment...I almost hesitated...as if there was a line on the ground and I was choosing to step across. I thought that something was different and I shouldn't go with them now...but then I just went on with them anyway as they pulled at my arms.
Not realizing just then, but that everything in my life from that moment, no matter what choices I made, would be different.
The crazy thing is...my story didn't end there. Life wasn't instantly happy go lucky. It wasn't rosy and perfect and miraculously changed in the physical world of home, school, and life in general. Now that I was a...Christian...by the testimony of my mouth, in that moment, on the street that night many years ago, God didn't take all the pain, hurt, hardship and future suffering away.
My life got harder...and much worse in many ways that could be multiple blog postings by themselves.
I made worse decisions, fell into deeper hardships, struggled worse at home and school...but in the end...I survived through it all and the only credit I give to that is to God alone. If it weren't for the AMAZING and UNDESERVED GRACE of Jesus Christ I would not be here today. I would not have made it through without Him.
Have I done service to the call He put on my life....I would say that I often feel I fall short, but it is the cry of my heart to serve Him in all I do. I struggle at times even with fellow believers feeling that I am being judged and for some crazy reason instead of saying GOD help me, my anxiety kicks in and I often will beat myself down.
This doesn't happen all the time, but sometimes life get's hard and we forget that we don't need to keep standing in the mud when we fall in.. He will lift us up and clean us off and give us the biggest spiritual HUG that we really need. Sometimes it's in thought and His presence wraps around us, other times it's a well timed word from a friend. Someone just letting you know they care.
God saved me from some crazy bad things in life...healed me and set me free in ways that the Glory and credit can only go to HIM there is no other explanation.
This is a new year...I can't passively allow myself to stay in chains...I need to remember I've been given wings and He has put a call on my life; to be mindful of 2 Timothy 4:1-5 (NAS).
These specific verses seemed to leap off the pages of my bible from the first time I read them in my new bible as a teen:
``Preach the Word" I solemnly charge you in the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who is to judge the living and the dead, and by His appearing and His kingdom: preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort, with great patience and instruction. For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but wanting to have their ears tickled, they will accumulate for themselves teachers in accordance to their own desires, and will turn away their ears from the truth and will turn aside to myths. But you, be sober in all things, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry.
***And keeping in mind Ephesians 4 :)***
I feel about the least qualified to ever be in a position to preach the word...especially with my social anxiety that occasionally flares up, BUT I do remember when issues of faith came up in the past and I needed to speak that I felt the strength beyond me to do it. :) I knew it was a God thing and I trust Him to be there for me when I need Him.
What has been holding me back these past 10+ years?
Well much of it has been in the 'desert' and for some reason I had some big life lessons to learn, I had to get over my own stubbornness, I had some hardships in the past that needed time for proper healing and I'm still healing, but God's not done with me yet. I'm still here and I have a job to do until that time is done.In the mean time, everything is an opportunity to learn, serve, and bless. :)
