So this morning I woke up early. When ever I wake up early I always think of a praise song we used to sing a long time ago that had a line that said "early in the morning I will rise up and seek thee". I thought for fun I would type "early in the morning" into an online bible study site. I was surprised how many things in the bible happened "early in the morning".
Well this morning I thought, 'I should get up and go for a run. That seems like a good idea'. As I was getting dressed a thought came to me, "Sam, you don't run, you aren't a runner. You are out of shape so either you should walk or rethink this. That and you have bad knees and need a different kind of work out."
As I stood there I thought no, I should start running. I hear so many people say they take a morning run with God.
"Sam...what about your Rollerblades"
Hmm, yeah...I haven't gone rollerblading in some time now. Everyone is still asleep and Aaron is home. I should do that. :)
I got ready and looked out at the sun rise. It is a good morning for this. As I started out I thought, hmm...not everyone has to run, not everyone needs to be a runner. Some people bike, some people hike, some people walk, some people Rollerblade. I am a Rollerblader. :)
I skated down to the bike path and followed it down the hill to a park. I love skating fast down hills and feeling the wind rush past me as I effortlessly glide down the road.
As I got near the end I stood and watched the sun glimmer on the water, listened to the birds near me, and watched the water and the sky for a while.
I don't remember the full extent of my thoughts just then, but I started thinking about God and the relationship He wants with us. How He is always with us like the sun shining on the water. Where ever I stood it was as if the ray of light only shone on me...but everyone else in the world can experience that too, at the same time. Just like how God is present with all of us at the same time.
I started thinking about how it's good to have reverence for God in our spirit, but in our heart to come to him like a Father. That those who have ever dreamed of what the best father-child relationship could be or was, still falls short of how amazing God wants His relationship to be with you. He wants us to see him as a child see's their daddy. Have you ever seen a small child look at a parent they hadn't seen in a while? Just two weeks ago I was working in the Children's Ministry room and Jasmine(age 2) had been in the nursery for 2 services. She was now running around with some of the other volunteers kids as we were cleaning up. She went around a corner and came back and looked up at me and with a glowing, beaming face announced "Mommy, I missed you!" and hugged me tightly and then ran off again on her merry way.
I think God wants us to feel that way towards him.
Then I skated away from that spot and looked up the hill. I thought about how much fun I have gliding down the hills and said "I will easily do the work it takes to skate or climb up the hill if it means I can glide down the hill." I started to think how that relates to our spiritual journey. There are times we really have to climb and work hard to keep going and other moments when we effortlessly glide down the hill with Jesus holding us up.
I decided to try going up the big hill to the right, but halfway God made me full aware that this really was not a good plan. I looked...I'm halfway, but my wheels got wet and I'm slipping. I could keep trying, but what if a car comes. I sat down and thought, thanks God for letting me know that I need to just turn around. But you better keep me up now if I glide down this hill because my wheels are wet. I stood up and flew down the hill. It was so amazing!
As I skated back up the trail I started thinking about God as "The Great Conductor" how he conducts the ebbs and flows of our lives and brings all the pieces in to make something beautiful out of his Masterpiece. I started to really pick it apart from the perspective of having been in band as a student. I thought, well...if God's the conductor...then the Holy Spirit is on percussion, on drums setting the rhythem. Then I thought...hmm, well what does Jesus do? Then I thought, he assign's the seats? Yes that's good...but maybe he's like the teacher who is there for band lessons. Helping us to get good at the part we've been given.
If a band was all trumpets it would sound horrible(ok, maybe to be honest, not horrible...I've heard some great trumpet solo's)...I remember sitting in my row and occasionally a trumpet piece would come up and I'd jump in my seat a little bit. They have something of a commanding presence. Christians can be like that. We need to all find our part, practice with the teacher, and listen to the spirit with our eye on the conductor.
Well...It's been an hour since I got home and hopefully I remembered some of my morning thoughts. I've realized lately that I really should write these things down more. I have them all the time, and I enjoy my moments, but I also forget them...so writing them down is Good!
Monday, August 9, 2010
Sunday, August 8, 2010
My Baptism Story & (partial) Faith Journey
Today in church the subject of baptism came up. The pastor was discussing how in the times of the bible that many people would be baptized immediately after hearing the truth of Christ preached. Not just them, but their whole families. This made me remember my own story.
I remember one day when I was in the 6th grade that my mom showed me a folder that had the papers from my baptism as a baby as well as the cloth that was used to wipe my head. I remember thinking it was really cool that she had that. We weren't going to church anymore since we had moved back to WI from AZ because my dad was in Korea.
Flash forward one year and a half away…
I moved to a new town in the middle of my 7th grade year and on my first day a student had made some dishonest mistakes while giving me a tour of the locker room. I remember on that first day as I walked into a packed lunch room that I had NO idea where to sit. I looked around and felt a little scared. I saw some kids that I recognized from Band....and then I saw a girl that was the step-daughter of my step-dad's best friend. I figured that I should go sit by her because of the family connection. Little did I know that the choice I made there that day would affect how others accepted me for the entire time I lived there. As I was sitting at the table the vice-principal asked me to leave the lunch table and sit with him on the bleachers. He proceeded to inform me that they were aware I had stolen money, jewelry, watches, and other items from the locker room that day. The look on my face was of pure and unbelievable shock. I remember explaining how the time in the locker room went as the other girl gave me a tour and how she told me that she forgot something in one of the lockers last week and couldn’t remember which one it was so I waited by the door for her to join me before we returned to gym class. I was a very shy, honest, and trusting kid.
What I came to find out years later, even after high school was that I had somehow acquired the reputation of a thief even though I had never done anyone any wrong.
Additionally for the rest of the time in middle school I was teased, made fun of, hit, pushed, and bullied. Primarily by one person…however many people would play into the situation. I remember in those times having so much hate and anger grow in me as I faced this time of my life alone. Just before we moved to this town my parents had separated and my brothers went with my dad and here I was alone in a new town and now the object of others insecurities.
It was in that same locker room the following year that a girl said point blank to me “I don’t believe in God.” Now, I had grown up knowing that there was a God, that there were at least “Catholics & Lutherans”, and that many people went to a church on Sunday. This was so foreign to me. I was thinking…”you mean…it’s an option?” My mind was racing for the moment and I was speechless. I grew up most of my childhood going to church on Sundays, recognizing what a cross was…that there was something about a trinity and God and Jesus. I loved helping in the nursery when I was a kid. But I was just blown away that there was an option. I knew people wore cross necklaces, but I guess I just thought for some reason that everyone believed in God and that it was just a part of life.
The following years began a slow spiral downward as I looked to every possible thing in the world to erase my feelings of nothingness. No one liked me, I was bullied, I was full of anger and hate. I started getting into dark and evil things. I got to the point that, looking back now, I was quite bizarre. The way I dressed, the skulls all over my room, the things I would think and do. I even carried a picture of the grim reaper in my pocket and announced to anyone who cared, or not, that it was my best friend. I was reckless with my life and continued to find ways not to care about anyone or anything. I was very closed emotionally and a very hard person.
I started secretly smoking and drinking when I could and I remember the first time I tried marijuana because I was in the back of a car full of people desperately trying to fit in.
I remember the night that I went to another friends house that was more on the side of “good kid” than most of my other friends. I pretty much looked for any excuse to be out of the house. This girl asked us if we wanted to go to a place called Crossfire and that it was downtown. All I heard, pretty much, was “downtown” and I totally didn’t get the “cross” part of the name. I thought maybe it was a club or something.
Over the next year or two my friends and I would regularly frequent that place downtown on the weekends, however many times we never really stayed there. We’d cruise around town in friends cars, go to coffee shops, clubs, and private apartment parties.
In the time that I wandered in and out of that youth center a youth pastor would hang out and try to get to know the kids. Initially my friends and I thought he was trying to ‘hit on us” and tried to avoid him.
I vividly recall one evening when I got separated from my friends and as I was wandering on a side of downtown that I usually don’t walk on I noticed that youth pastor and some of his youth group heading towards me. In my mind I started to think, “OH MAN” why them. I should turn around now and go a different way. I looked around and thought, no, no, I’ll just walk straight past them. I’m not scared of them. They won’t bother me.
As I got closer to them the pastor looked at me. I can’t recall if he greeted me by name or if anything else was said…all I remember is that he asked “Do you believe in God?” (Now, I know that something like that would not necessarily produce the same reaction in everyone, I fully believe now that it was God’s leading.) In the 2 seconds before I answered I must have thought about a million things and I thought…ok, ok…..I can’t say no because I’ll be struck down here and now by lightning or something. (no idea why I thought that) If I say yes they will stay here and talk to me. I found that I couldn’t answer as my mind wrestled back and forth until a faint whisper of a ‘yes’ came out of my mouth. Immediately I thought, so now that I said it, what does this mean?
He began to talk to me about sin and about God and Jesus, and the importance of having a relationship with Jesus in my life. He invited me to the youth group and to an upcoming trip they were taking. I wish I could say that my life radically changed then and there, but it didn’t -fully. I did have this feeling like something was different. I wasn’t sure if I should go find my friends now or stay with the pastor. I felt that for a moment time was stopped and nothing around us had mattered. That there was no concern about the people walking around us and that God had somehow put a wall or bubble around us blocking us out from the rest of the world so that I would be put in that moment.
Over the next few years I wrestled with my faith and my friends. I was drawn to church but never felt like I fit in. I jumped in head first into the word and into God, but didn’t seem to see the same excitement in my peers. I struggled at times with events in my life getting MUCH worse than they had been before that night. I had struggled with more Alcohol, drugs, abuse, and occasional desperate attempts to end my life. Even when I went down to the deepest lows…it was never the same because in the back of my mind I had the knowledge of God. I had to endure many hardships, legal issues, treatment centers, and family trials. I once had walked on the top of 4 story parking ramp and looked down laughing at the freaked out people below. I sat on the edge of a bridge on the Mississippi pondering life and completely shutting out those trying to help me. I took pins and tried to dig the veins out of my wrist crying out to God that I couldn’t do it anymore and that if He was there He had to do it for me. I cried myself to sleep and woke up later with mostly a swollen, bruised, and sore wrist, but still alive.
I thought back to events in my life…even my birth. How it was a miracle I survived seeing as how my two older brothers had not survived more than a day after birth and I was 3 pounds 14 ounces in the NICU of an Army hospital in the 70's.
I think to a story my grandmother told me when she asked why I was peeling the skin off of my orange slices. I told her that I can only eat the pulp because I gag on the skin part. Then she said, “well, did I ever tell you about when you were around 2 or 3 years old and you were at my house? You were eating oranges and I walked out of the room for a few minutes and when I came back you were slumped over in your chair. I thought you were sleeping, but when I got closer to you I realized you were not sleeping and that you had choked on the oranges.” Thankfully she was an RN.
I think about the times I made completely reckless decisions in my life like car surfing where I would hold on top of my friends car as she sped through 4 alleys with no concern if a car may be coming on a cross road (downtown). Or the time when I would hang out the front window of my friends car with nothing holding on to me but my foot under the dash as she speed up the curvy big hill in town. The time when I chugged a very large bottle of Schnapps and capped it off with a beer in less than 15 minutes in my friends home. I passed out and was carried from room to room and left alone as they all went out cruising for hours. It wasn’t until they came back and saw that I was non-responsive yet that they started freaking out and in a frenzy tried to shove my hand down my throat to make me void my stomach. I have no idea how long I was out…no memory…no dream…no anything. All I knew was there was some daylight when we started and now it was quite late in the evening, possibly past midnight.
Or the time I was in a high-speed chase in North Dakota looking for a way to end my life by driving off of some place somewhere only to realize that we were speeding right to the correctional facility as the engine started to break down and there were about 50 police that pulled their weapons on us as we were pulled out of the truck. I suppose if I thought long enough I could come up with many other things…like the time a mentally deranged man took me and tried to molest me when thankfully some people busted down the door. He chased them in a fit of fury and I ran home as fast as I could. Or the time when I had my ribs broken at school by a bully, or when boys took me from school and no one knew where I was for half the day, or when another man picked me up as I was walking one day -skipping school- and drove me away, sexually assaulted me and then said that if I told anyone I would be in trouble because he just got out of jail for statutory rape and the *expletive* lied. Or the time that I went to an apartment with a friend and no one knew where I was for 2 weeks. Where a man sexually and mentally abused me and we were living with 4 guys that all had a record. It took a long time to get out of that mess including 2 ER visits and other things. So many instances where I would be in places where people were smoking so much weed that the level of oxygen in our room was dangerously low as everyone seemed to pass out. Many times when I rationalized my problems away because I was only doing certain drugs and wasn't snorting or shooting up so I was ok.
I remember going through all these things and much more over the years as I wrestled with God and life. I remember someone saying that I needed to get baptized, but no one ever had any good reason other than “to go to heaven”…or “because you should”. I would tell them…well, I was baptized as a baby so will I not go to heaven if I don’t as a teen? No one had a good answer for me and that was the only time it was brought up.
I was 17 when I was living in a treatment center in Florida. I was starting to see some changes in my life and then I turned 18. The insurance no longer wanted to pay for me so I reluctantly had to leave.
There was the craziest life rollercoaster in the time after that with another story I could save for later. In the end I found myself back with my grandmother and trying to get back on my feet.
Once again it was probably close to a year where I wrestled with my faith…where the abusive apartment situation happened and the stalking that resulted in that. My grandmother showed me so much more mercy, love, and grace than I ever deserved. I was back with her again after that horrible incident. I was getting back on my feet, trying to work two jobs…still wrestling with my faith. I was planning to go away to a youth camp and be a councilor and I thought finally my life was getting back on track. I thought I would try to go to their school for youth ministry and many people in my family were quick to point out that I was not good enough for that sort of 'profession'. I just wanted to help other kids avoid the life path that I had taken and I sincerely wanted them to find a Real relationship with Jesus.
One day I got a phone call that was collections from those days in the ER and the ambulance bills. I mistakenly thought they had been taken care of. The total cost of those bills was all I had saved up to go to this camp and to the school. I was devastated and had just turned down, days before, a job I really wanted because I was going to go to Oklahoma. The manager off the local Office Depot called me personally to ask if I would work there because they were impressed with the work I did on the store-set-up crew. I bailed spiritually, mentally, and physically. I rashly decided to move out from my grandmother's home…went back to the party atmosphere, and started drinking and doing drugs again.
It was in this time that I started to resign myself to the thought that this lifestyle was all I was good for. I wrestled many times with situations and ideas, thoughts, and the direction of my life. I went to work one day and they were throwing a going away party for a girl that was going to college. I remember being happy for her, but at the same time a little sad that my life situation was less fortunate. As I returned to my work I was upstairs and as I walked into one of the rooms to clean at the hotel I had this crazy statement fill my head. “Ask her to pray for you”. I realized that yes, a women must be staying in this room, but I don’t want to get fired…I have no idea who she is, who’s staying there, and if they are a Christian, or if they would think I was rummaging through their stuff.
The thought would not go away as I rationalized away all the reasons why I shouldn’t do it. I kept cleaning slowly hoping maybe she would come back and then I would know what to do. She didn’t come back and I seriously felt that I could not leave that room unless I asked her. I finally sat down at the desk and wrote a little message on one of the notepads in the room. The whole time thinking “I am SO fired for this”. I shared in brief that I felt God telling me to ask her to pray for me, that I was in a bad situation and that I was supposed to be in Oklahoma at a youth camp. I don’t fully remember all that I wrote, but I spent the rest of my shift that day fully expecting to be fired.
The next day my mom let me know that a woman left something for me at the front desk. (She was a front desk manager.) I then realized that I had potentially jeopardized both of our jobs. She had a puzzled look on her face as I took the bag from her and sat down to see what was in it. Inside were some little inspiration books opened up to specific pages as well as a note. I couldn’t believe it. I still have no idea who that woman was or if I freaked her out. Apparently though, God had his hand on the situation.
It was the next day when I was at my apartment and I heard a knock at the door. When my roommate opened it he said it was for me. I walked to the door and found standing before me a person I knew, but hadn’t seen in a while. She said to me. “I’ve been trying to find you for 3 days and have been blocked in every way. God sent me from Oklahoma to come find you.”
I remember thinking what in the world????? How??? But…I can’t go now, I’m not good enough, I’ve fallen too many times. She talked me into going to church with her and when we arrived they were doing a send off for the two kids that were going to drive down to Oklahoma to go to the Junior College there for ministry. In the course of that night I had wept and sought forgiveness from God and my friends at the church. The following morning I had to call my grandmother and seek out her forgiveness (again). She helped me secure a small loan and the next day I left EVERYTHING behind to sit on the edge of a seat in a packed car as I drove with people I didn’t really know to this place in Oklahoma. My mom was kind and came and picked up many of my things from the apartment while I was away. (An unexpected kindness.)
I started getting into the routine of school, church, work, and sleep. I did a lot of volunteering at the church cleaning and other misc. jobs in between work and classes.
One morning though I woke up and felt something strange…something I can’t really explain, but I knew I couldn’t go to church that morning. I don’t know why and my friends thought it was strange, but they all walked up the hill and went to service. I decided to walk the track around the dorms and as I started walking I just prayed and talked to God. As this was happening it started to rain…and rain…and rain. I just continued to praise God as I walked in the rain and it was at that moment that my heart opened and I wanted to be baptized. I was so excited about it even that I ran to some of my friends in the dorms and asked one of the guys who had been ordained by a pastor if he could baptize me. There was a runoff stream near by or even at Lake Hennepin. They all looked at me like I was crazy…but at the same time they couldn’t shake off that I had a glow about me.
I want to say that it happened there, but through some time and other events, including a few phone calls made home I had decided to leave that place. I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to, but it was just one of those things you say when you are frustrated. What I hadn’t realized was that my mom talked to her dad and he suddenly shows up in a couple days to take me home. I hadn’t really fully decided and I thought it was quite odd that the situation played out the way it did. No one in my family would have done anything like that before that I could think of. Or at least I didn't foresee that happening.
It was a reluctant leave in some ways and as people tried to say to me “God didn’t bring you here for you to leave”, I felt that something bigger was happening. In the hotel room that night I felt a heaviness upon me and thought I should go back.
I got home and eventually made my way to my mom’s for a very brief time. Shortly after I got back I started going to the church I had been to previously and signed up to be baptized right away. I ended up being baptized by the youth pastor that had first witnessed to me in the streets all those years ago. We went to a dirty old river and it was a great moment in my life. I finally felt like I was working with a clean slate and wanted to honor God with my life even more.
In a couple months I was presented with an opportunity to go with a group of people in our church to a Leadership Conference in Oklahoma and jumped right on it. I desperately wanted to see my school friends and go back to that church. I loved every minute of the conference and it was so hard to leave again. I was torn whether or not I should have left. I went back home and signed up to be a leader when we took the youth group back for summer camp. It was a great time and I was glad that I was able to go back again and see some familiar faces.
While there I really struggled with whether or not I should be in Oklahoma or Wisconsin. I felt God say to me…”Where do you place your Joy?...Do you place your Joy in Me or in that Church?”
Those words I felt released me from the guilt and depression I had and I realized that maybe God had a different path for me, that perhaps there was a purpose in going when I did, but now there was a different way.
There were many things that happened yet after this, but in closing I want to share two amazing things that came to light after some of these events took place.
1) When I was in Oklahoma I was going through my personal belongings and reading through the booklets that I got from the woman in the hotel. I had never thought to open the booklet beyond the page she had set the crease to and as I found the front cover I was blown away. There was an address label on the booklet. The person who I asked to pray for me in Wisconsin…specifically about Oklahoma had an address in a neighboring town in Oklahoma. I must have seriously freaked her out and she must have thought I was looking through her things. I decided to write her a thank you letter and let her know that I had no idea until just then that she was from Oklahoma. I let her know that God had brought me here. I did not hear back from her, but that was fine.
2) After my Rain-Baptism experience with God I had found out that my great-grandfather had passed away and the message from my grandmother had been misplaced. There was a classmate driving home that following week so I drove with her. When I got to my grandmothers I found out that the morning I had been praying to God in the rain…and where God opened my heart about being baptized was the exact moment that my great-grandfather had passed. Secondly….they said that the wind up clock in his house had also stopped at the same time he passed…which was the same time in the morning I was outside in the rain praising God. I can’t help but think that there was some relevance there and will never forget it.
So, to those of you undecided about baptism’s…this is my story. I would probably be in favor of both as I see the first something that the parents do before God as a vow to raise you to know God and the second as a testament in our own journey to carry that mantle for ourselves.
I remember one day when I was in the 6th grade that my mom showed me a folder that had the papers from my baptism as a baby as well as the cloth that was used to wipe my head. I remember thinking it was really cool that she had that. We weren't going to church anymore since we had moved back to WI from AZ because my dad was in Korea.
Flash forward one year and a half away…
I moved to a new town in the middle of my 7th grade year and on my first day a student had made some dishonest mistakes while giving me a tour of the locker room. I remember on that first day as I walked into a packed lunch room that I had NO idea where to sit. I looked around and felt a little scared. I saw some kids that I recognized from Band....and then I saw a girl that was the step-daughter of my step-dad's best friend. I figured that I should go sit by her because of the family connection. Little did I know that the choice I made there that day would affect how others accepted me for the entire time I lived there. As I was sitting at the table the vice-principal asked me to leave the lunch table and sit with him on the bleachers. He proceeded to inform me that they were aware I had stolen money, jewelry, watches, and other items from the locker room that day. The look on my face was of pure and unbelievable shock. I remember explaining how the time in the locker room went as the other girl gave me a tour and how she told me that she forgot something in one of the lockers last week and couldn’t remember which one it was so I waited by the door for her to join me before we returned to gym class. I was a very shy, honest, and trusting kid.
What I came to find out years later, even after high school was that I had somehow acquired the reputation of a thief even though I had never done anyone any wrong.
Additionally for the rest of the time in middle school I was teased, made fun of, hit, pushed, and bullied. Primarily by one person…however many people would play into the situation. I remember in those times having so much hate and anger grow in me as I faced this time of my life alone. Just before we moved to this town my parents had separated and my brothers went with my dad and here I was alone in a new town and now the object of others insecurities.
It was in that same locker room the following year that a girl said point blank to me “I don’t believe in God.” Now, I had grown up knowing that there was a God, that there were at least “Catholics & Lutherans”, and that many people went to a church on Sunday. This was so foreign to me. I was thinking…”you mean…it’s an option?” My mind was racing for the moment and I was speechless. I grew up most of my childhood going to church on Sundays, recognizing what a cross was…that there was something about a trinity and God and Jesus. I loved helping in the nursery when I was a kid. But I was just blown away that there was an option. I knew people wore cross necklaces, but I guess I just thought for some reason that everyone believed in God and that it was just a part of life.
The following years began a slow spiral downward as I looked to every possible thing in the world to erase my feelings of nothingness. No one liked me, I was bullied, I was full of anger and hate. I started getting into dark and evil things. I got to the point that, looking back now, I was quite bizarre. The way I dressed, the skulls all over my room, the things I would think and do. I even carried a picture of the grim reaper in my pocket and announced to anyone who cared, or not, that it was my best friend. I was reckless with my life and continued to find ways not to care about anyone or anything. I was very closed emotionally and a very hard person.
I started secretly smoking and drinking when I could and I remember the first time I tried marijuana because I was in the back of a car full of people desperately trying to fit in.
I remember the night that I went to another friends house that was more on the side of “good kid” than most of my other friends. I pretty much looked for any excuse to be out of the house. This girl asked us if we wanted to go to a place called Crossfire and that it was downtown. All I heard, pretty much, was “downtown” and I totally didn’t get the “cross” part of the name. I thought maybe it was a club or something.
Over the next year or two my friends and I would regularly frequent that place downtown on the weekends, however many times we never really stayed there. We’d cruise around town in friends cars, go to coffee shops, clubs, and private apartment parties.
In the time that I wandered in and out of that youth center a youth pastor would hang out and try to get to know the kids. Initially my friends and I thought he was trying to ‘hit on us” and tried to avoid him.
I vividly recall one evening when I got separated from my friends and as I was wandering on a side of downtown that I usually don’t walk on I noticed that youth pastor and some of his youth group heading towards me. In my mind I started to think, “OH MAN” why them. I should turn around now and go a different way. I looked around and thought, no, no, I’ll just walk straight past them. I’m not scared of them. They won’t bother me.
As I got closer to them the pastor looked at me. I can’t recall if he greeted me by name or if anything else was said…all I remember is that he asked “Do you believe in God?” (Now, I know that something like that would not necessarily produce the same reaction in everyone, I fully believe now that it was God’s leading.) In the 2 seconds before I answered I must have thought about a million things and I thought…ok, ok…..I can’t say no because I’ll be struck down here and now by lightning or something. (no idea why I thought that) If I say yes they will stay here and talk to me. I found that I couldn’t answer as my mind wrestled back and forth until a faint whisper of a ‘yes’ came out of my mouth. Immediately I thought, so now that I said it, what does this mean?
He began to talk to me about sin and about God and Jesus, and the importance of having a relationship with Jesus in my life. He invited me to the youth group and to an upcoming trip they were taking. I wish I could say that my life radically changed then and there, but it didn’t -fully. I did have this feeling like something was different. I wasn’t sure if I should go find my friends now or stay with the pastor. I felt that for a moment time was stopped and nothing around us had mattered. That there was no concern about the people walking around us and that God had somehow put a wall or bubble around us blocking us out from the rest of the world so that I would be put in that moment.
Over the next few years I wrestled with my faith and my friends. I was drawn to church but never felt like I fit in. I jumped in head first into the word and into God, but didn’t seem to see the same excitement in my peers. I struggled at times with events in my life getting MUCH worse than they had been before that night. I had struggled with more Alcohol, drugs, abuse, and occasional desperate attempts to end my life. Even when I went down to the deepest lows…it was never the same because in the back of my mind I had the knowledge of God. I had to endure many hardships, legal issues, treatment centers, and family trials. I once had walked on the top of 4 story parking ramp and looked down laughing at the freaked out people below. I sat on the edge of a bridge on the Mississippi pondering life and completely shutting out those trying to help me. I took pins and tried to dig the veins out of my wrist crying out to God that I couldn’t do it anymore and that if He was there He had to do it for me. I cried myself to sleep and woke up later with mostly a swollen, bruised, and sore wrist, but still alive.
I thought back to events in my life…even my birth. How it was a miracle I survived seeing as how my two older brothers had not survived more than a day after birth and I was 3 pounds 14 ounces in the NICU of an Army hospital in the 70's.
I think to a story my grandmother told me when she asked why I was peeling the skin off of my orange slices. I told her that I can only eat the pulp because I gag on the skin part. Then she said, “well, did I ever tell you about when you were around 2 or 3 years old and you were at my house? You were eating oranges and I walked out of the room for a few minutes and when I came back you were slumped over in your chair. I thought you were sleeping, but when I got closer to you I realized you were not sleeping and that you had choked on the oranges.” Thankfully she was an RN.
I think about the times I made completely reckless decisions in my life like car surfing where I would hold on top of my friends car as she sped through 4 alleys with no concern if a car may be coming on a cross road (downtown). Or the time when I would hang out the front window of my friends car with nothing holding on to me but my foot under the dash as she speed up the curvy big hill in town. The time when I chugged a very large bottle of Schnapps and capped it off with a beer in less than 15 minutes in my friends home. I passed out and was carried from room to room and left alone as they all went out cruising for hours. It wasn’t until they came back and saw that I was non-responsive yet that they started freaking out and in a frenzy tried to shove my hand down my throat to make me void my stomach. I have no idea how long I was out…no memory…no dream…no anything. All I knew was there was some daylight when we started and now it was quite late in the evening, possibly past midnight.
Or the time I was in a high-speed chase in North Dakota looking for a way to end my life by driving off of some place somewhere only to realize that we were speeding right to the correctional facility as the engine started to break down and there were about 50 police that pulled their weapons on us as we were pulled out of the truck. I suppose if I thought long enough I could come up with many other things…like the time a mentally deranged man took me and tried to molest me when thankfully some people busted down the door. He chased them in a fit of fury and I ran home as fast as I could. Or the time when I had my ribs broken at school by a bully, or when boys took me from school and no one knew where I was for half the day, or when another man picked me up as I was walking one day -skipping school- and drove me away, sexually assaulted me and then said that if I told anyone I would be in trouble because he just got out of jail for statutory rape and the *expletive* lied. Or the time that I went to an apartment with a friend and no one knew where I was for 2 weeks. Where a man sexually and mentally abused me and we were living with 4 guys that all had a record. It took a long time to get out of that mess including 2 ER visits and other things. So many instances where I would be in places where people were smoking so much weed that the level of oxygen in our room was dangerously low as everyone seemed to pass out. Many times when I rationalized my problems away because I was only doing certain drugs and wasn't snorting or shooting up so I was ok.
I remember going through all these things and much more over the years as I wrestled with God and life. I remember someone saying that I needed to get baptized, but no one ever had any good reason other than “to go to heaven”…or “because you should”. I would tell them…well, I was baptized as a baby so will I not go to heaven if I don’t as a teen? No one had a good answer for me and that was the only time it was brought up.
I was 17 when I was living in a treatment center in Florida. I was starting to see some changes in my life and then I turned 18. The insurance no longer wanted to pay for me so I reluctantly had to leave.
There was the craziest life rollercoaster in the time after that with another story I could save for later. In the end I found myself back with my grandmother and trying to get back on my feet.
Once again it was probably close to a year where I wrestled with my faith…where the abusive apartment situation happened and the stalking that resulted in that. My grandmother showed me so much more mercy, love, and grace than I ever deserved. I was back with her again after that horrible incident. I was getting back on my feet, trying to work two jobs…still wrestling with my faith. I was planning to go away to a youth camp and be a councilor and I thought finally my life was getting back on track. I thought I would try to go to their school for youth ministry and many people in my family were quick to point out that I was not good enough for that sort of 'profession'. I just wanted to help other kids avoid the life path that I had taken and I sincerely wanted them to find a Real relationship with Jesus.
One day I got a phone call that was collections from those days in the ER and the ambulance bills. I mistakenly thought they had been taken care of. The total cost of those bills was all I had saved up to go to this camp and to the school. I was devastated and had just turned down, days before, a job I really wanted because I was going to go to Oklahoma. The manager off the local Office Depot called me personally to ask if I would work there because they were impressed with the work I did on the store-set-up crew. I bailed spiritually, mentally, and physically. I rashly decided to move out from my grandmother's home…went back to the party atmosphere, and started drinking and doing drugs again.
It was in this time that I started to resign myself to the thought that this lifestyle was all I was good for. I wrestled many times with situations and ideas, thoughts, and the direction of my life. I went to work one day and they were throwing a going away party for a girl that was going to college. I remember being happy for her, but at the same time a little sad that my life situation was less fortunate. As I returned to my work I was upstairs and as I walked into one of the rooms to clean at the hotel I had this crazy statement fill my head. “Ask her to pray for you”. I realized that yes, a women must be staying in this room, but I don’t want to get fired…I have no idea who she is, who’s staying there, and if they are a Christian, or if they would think I was rummaging through their stuff.
The thought would not go away as I rationalized away all the reasons why I shouldn’t do it. I kept cleaning slowly hoping maybe she would come back and then I would know what to do. She didn’t come back and I seriously felt that I could not leave that room unless I asked her. I finally sat down at the desk and wrote a little message on one of the notepads in the room. The whole time thinking “I am SO fired for this”. I shared in brief that I felt God telling me to ask her to pray for me, that I was in a bad situation and that I was supposed to be in Oklahoma at a youth camp. I don’t fully remember all that I wrote, but I spent the rest of my shift that day fully expecting to be fired.
The next day my mom let me know that a woman left something for me at the front desk. (She was a front desk manager.) I then realized that I had potentially jeopardized both of our jobs. She had a puzzled look on her face as I took the bag from her and sat down to see what was in it. Inside were some little inspiration books opened up to specific pages as well as a note. I couldn’t believe it. I still have no idea who that woman was or if I freaked her out. Apparently though, God had his hand on the situation.
It was the next day when I was at my apartment and I heard a knock at the door. When my roommate opened it he said it was for me. I walked to the door and found standing before me a person I knew, but hadn’t seen in a while. She said to me. “I’ve been trying to find you for 3 days and have been blocked in every way. God sent me from Oklahoma to come find you.”
I remember thinking what in the world????? How??? But…I can’t go now, I’m not good enough, I’ve fallen too many times. She talked me into going to church with her and when we arrived they were doing a send off for the two kids that were going to drive down to Oklahoma to go to the Junior College there for ministry. In the course of that night I had wept and sought forgiveness from God and my friends at the church. The following morning I had to call my grandmother and seek out her forgiveness (again). She helped me secure a small loan and the next day I left EVERYTHING behind to sit on the edge of a seat in a packed car as I drove with people I didn’t really know to this place in Oklahoma. My mom was kind and came and picked up many of my things from the apartment while I was away. (An unexpected kindness.)
I started getting into the routine of school, church, work, and sleep. I did a lot of volunteering at the church cleaning and other misc. jobs in between work and classes.
One morning though I woke up and felt something strange…something I can’t really explain, but I knew I couldn’t go to church that morning. I don’t know why and my friends thought it was strange, but they all walked up the hill and went to service. I decided to walk the track around the dorms and as I started walking I just prayed and talked to God. As this was happening it started to rain…and rain…and rain. I just continued to praise God as I walked in the rain and it was at that moment that my heart opened and I wanted to be baptized. I was so excited about it even that I ran to some of my friends in the dorms and asked one of the guys who had been ordained by a pastor if he could baptize me. There was a runoff stream near by or even at Lake Hennepin. They all looked at me like I was crazy…but at the same time they couldn’t shake off that I had a glow about me.
I want to say that it happened there, but through some time and other events, including a few phone calls made home I had decided to leave that place. I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to, but it was just one of those things you say when you are frustrated. What I hadn’t realized was that my mom talked to her dad and he suddenly shows up in a couple days to take me home. I hadn’t really fully decided and I thought it was quite odd that the situation played out the way it did. No one in my family would have done anything like that before that I could think of. Or at least I didn't foresee that happening.
It was a reluctant leave in some ways and as people tried to say to me “God didn’t bring you here for you to leave”, I felt that something bigger was happening. In the hotel room that night I felt a heaviness upon me and thought I should go back.
I got home and eventually made my way to my mom’s for a very brief time. Shortly after I got back I started going to the church I had been to previously and signed up to be baptized right away. I ended up being baptized by the youth pastor that had first witnessed to me in the streets all those years ago. We went to a dirty old river and it was a great moment in my life. I finally felt like I was working with a clean slate and wanted to honor God with my life even more.
In a couple months I was presented with an opportunity to go with a group of people in our church to a Leadership Conference in Oklahoma and jumped right on it. I desperately wanted to see my school friends and go back to that church. I loved every minute of the conference and it was so hard to leave again. I was torn whether or not I should have left. I went back home and signed up to be a leader when we took the youth group back for summer camp. It was a great time and I was glad that I was able to go back again and see some familiar faces.
While there I really struggled with whether or not I should be in Oklahoma or Wisconsin. I felt God say to me…”Where do you place your Joy?...Do you place your Joy in Me or in that Church?”
Those words I felt released me from the guilt and depression I had and I realized that maybe God had a different path for me, that perhaps there was a purpose in going when I did, but now there was a different way.
There were many things that happened yet after this, but in closing I want to share two amazing things that came to light after some of these events took place.
1) When I was in Oklahoma I was going through my personal belongings and reading through the booklets that I got from the woman in the hotel. I had never thought to open the booklet beyond the page she had set the crease to and as I found the front cover I was blown away. There was an address label on the booklet. The person who I asked to pray for me in Wisconsin…specifically about Oklahoma had an address in a neighboring town in Oklahoma. I must have seriously freaked her out and she must have thought I was looking through her things. I decided to write her a thank you letter and let her know that I had no idea until just then that she was from Oklahoma. I let her know that God had brought me here. I did not hear back from her, but that was fine.
2) After my Rain-Baptism experience with God I had found out that my great-grandfather had passed away and the message from my grandmother had been misplaced. There was a classmate driving home that following week so I drove with her. When I got to my grandmothers I found out that the morning I had been praying to God in the rain…and where God opened my heart about being baptized was the exact moment that my great-grandfather had passed. Secondly….they said that the wind up clock in his house had also stopped at the same time he passed…which was the same time in the morning I was outside in the rain praising God. I can’t help but think that there was some relevance there and will never forget it.
So, to those of you undecided about baptism’s…this is my story. I would probably be in favor of both as I see the first something that the parents do before God as a vow to raise you to know God and the second as a testament in our own journey to carry that mantle for ourselves.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Transformations...God what would You have me do?
The last two days I was extremely priviledged to attend the Global Leadership Summit at a host site in Minnesota, free of charge, by my home church.
Have you ever been in a situation where you felt transformed...restored...free to be the truest You that God intended? There was no grand production, no huge crazy event that caused this transformation. I wasn't brought forward and there was no ceremony. I think, for me, that it was a result of being 'tuned in' to the nudging of the spirit, stepping out in faith, and expecting to see something, anything, that God would have for me to see, hear, learn, or experience. I think that is just a portion of what I felt attending this week and I hope those who attended with me had the same receptive, hungry hearts.
There was so much great insight packed into two days that I wish I could have had a full day hearing from each speaker. :) I know that God moves in our lives and those 'tuned in' may even see how the events and situations in their lives are connected. I'm finding all the time, even in small things, that almost everything has a connection to something that is similar or familiar to someone, or a connection to a song I hear on the radio to a book study our mom's group is doing, to a speaker on the radio, to the current sermon we are doing at church.
There are days when I feel so aware of this that at moments my mind wonders...are all the churches and radio stations following some "master schedule" that they don't want you to know about? Is it a Christian Truman Show? :) Perhaps more true would be that there is a Master and His schedule is what affects all those that are 'tuned in'?
I don't say 'tuned in' to sound super-spiritual...to make it seem new age...but for me I think it's a conscious decision for the most part to be aware that God is there, that He is here, that He is with You always. I can't, for the moment, think of a better description. We can so easily be concerned with what's going on in the world, our bills, our families, our circumstances that we can 'tune out' God--whether seasonally or momentarily. I am conscious of Him and I think about Him all the time. Almost every life situation makes me think of something relatable in scripture or something relating to God...BUT...I am not always having consistent dialogue, I am not following the whispers, I am not seeking the will of God daily. I want to though, I do.
I was very interested in the speaking on Bill Hybels book "The Power of a Whisper: Hearing God, Having the Guts to Respond" I connected with what he was saying and he made statements that really stood out to me. I have talked to a few people about how I see "chains" in the way people are connected, or how events/situations have played out, etc...and that was something he also mentioned-as did Tony Dungy. (makes me feel less weird--lol). I decided to purchase the small group study set and once I've gone through it I am thinking of having some people over to study with me...or maybe I'll let the church use it for short small group sessions in between other book studies. The last few weeks I've definitely been considering having a small group here for some specific people that I feel God would have me mentor, but was worried that those feelings were strange. After these two days I am considering that He may be whispering that thought to me and I'll have to figure out what that means.
I will have to pray about this, read that book, and keep my heart available for opportunities.
Sometimes I have anxiety around people that I have no control over. The discussions on the carpool ride both days were so great. I was finally seeing a change in my interactions with people and God really has helped me. I don't know the last time I was really able to share, discuss, relate, and have fun with others and truly be me. I don't want that to sound self-centered...it was just, well...like a transformation. I had even gone to the grocery store the first night and was not feeling the looming anxiety to be around(avoid) people in the store. Generally, but not always I go in, make no eye contact, get my groceries, and go home.
It was as if I was walking taller, able to have my head up, make eye contact or even, if needed, conversation and it felt so different. It wasn't that I was walking around in pride, but I felt released of the heavy weight that I've been trying to push off but for some reason wanted to stay attached. I'm just so grateful for all the things God has been stripping away from me and His patience with me.
--Oh, and the day before the summit we had our last week of Summer Mom's group and the discussions went very well that day too, I really felt a connection and I am just sitting here wondering what's next. What does God want?
Have you ever been in a situation where you felt transformed...restored...free to be the truest You that God intended? There was no grand production, no huge crazy event that caused this transformation. I wasn't brought forward and there was no ceremony. I think, for me, that it was a result of being 'tuned in' to the nudging of the spirit, stepping out in faith, and expecting to see something, anything, that God would have for me to see, hear, learn, or experience. I think that is just a portion of what I felt attending this week and I hope those who attended with me had the same receptive, hungry hearts.
There was so much great insight packed into two days that I wish I could have had a full day hearing from each speaker. :) I know that God moves in our lives and those 'tuned in' may even see how the events and situations in their lives are connected. I'm finding all the time, even in small things, that almost everything has a connection to something that is similar or familiar to someone, or a connection to a song I hear on the radio to a book study our mom's group is doing, to a speaker on the radio, to the current sermon we are doing at church.
There are days when I feel so aware of this that at moments my mind wonders...are all the churches and radio stations following some "master schedule" that they don't want you to know about? Is it a Christian Truman Show? :) Perhaps more true would be that there is a Master and His schedule is what affects all those that are 'tuned in'?
I don't say 'tuned in' to sound super-spiritual...to make it seem new age...but for me I think it's a conscious decision for the most part to be aware that God is there, that He is here, that He is with You always. I can't, for the moment, think of a better description. We can so easily be concerned with what's going on in the world, our bills, our families, our circumstances that we can 'tune out' God--whether seasonally or momentarily. I am conscious of Him and I think about Him all the time. Almost every life situation makes me think of something relatable in scripture or something relating to God...BUT...I am not always having consistent dialogue, I am not following the whispers, I am not seeking the will of God daily. I want to though, I do.
I was very interested in the speaking on Bill Hybels book "The Power of a Whisper: Hearing God, Having the Guts to Respond" I connected with what he was saying and he made statements that really stood out to me. I have talked to a few people about how I see "chains" in the way people are connected, or how events/situations have played out, etc...and that was something he also mentioned-as did Tony Dungy. (makes me feel less weird--lol). I decided to purchase the small group study set and once I've gone through it I am thinking of having some people over to study with me...or maybe I'll let the church use it for short small group sessions in between other book studies. The last few weeks I've definitely been considering having a small group here for some specific people that I feel God would have me mentor, but was worried that those feelings were strange. After these two days I am considering that He may be whispering that thought to me and I'll have to figure out what that means.
I will have to pray about this, read that book, and keep my heart available for opportunities.
Sometimes I have anxiety around people that I have no control over. The discussions on the carpool ride both days were so great. I was finally seeing a change in my interactions with people and God really has helped me. I don't know the last time I was really able to share, discuss, relate, and have fun with others and truly be me. I don't want that to sound self-centered...it was just, well...like a transformation. I had even gone to the grocery store the first night and was not feeling the looming anxiety to be around(avoid) people in the store. Generally, but not always I go in, make no eye contact, get my groceries, and go home.
It was as if I was walking taller, able to have my head up, make eye contact or even, if needed, conversation and it felt so different. It wasn't that I was walking around in pride, but I felt released of the heavy weight that I've been trying to push off but for some reason wanted to stay attached. I'm just so grateful for all the things God has been stripping away from me and His patience with me.
--Oh, and the day before the summit we had our last week of Summer Mom's group and the discussions went very well that day too, I really felt a connection and I am just sitting here wondering what's next. What does God want?
God, Help me to be a blessing to my kids, my husband, my friends, and those that you put in my path. Help me to live my life with integrity, patience, kindness, and Your love. Guide my words and help me to learn. Please grant me wisdom in your Word in order to reflect You to all those I encounter and build my faith to be ready in season and out of season. Bring mentors in my path and guide me to those you would equip me to mentor if that be your design. Place me where You will and make me passionate for Your work. Don't let me quit, don't let me be complacent, and break away the things that take me further away from you. I thank you, in Jesus name...Amen.
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