The cry of my heart

Another post I am sharing from my notes at Facebook. :)

A lot of this must have been partly inspired by the book I just finished reading.

Crazy Love by Francis Chan

http://crazylovebook.com/
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Sharing some of my thoughts today…6.28.10
June 28th at 9:25pm (Facebook)
The core of my being cries out many nights, in my dreams, to the Living God who created the Universe.

My heart yearns to be closer, but in my waking life I find that my human-nature tends to prevail more often than I would like. While I hope and pray for wisdom, I often, more so, find that I know nothing.
I hope for a life that glorifies God and solid integrity...modeling patience, kindness, and love. Then I find myself wasting my time, talking about someone, or even yelling at my children and sitting down thinking that I am poorly modeling my faith. Is that how God would react to me...the way I've reacted to the kids? If so, how much more yelling would I deserve than they? How many worse things have I done?

God I need patience and "slow to speak" abilities!!!(James 1:19)
Help me to model Your love, patience, forgiveness and kindness...!!!

( A couple thoughts I've pondered this past week.)

• A stagnant pond will not provide desirable drinking water.

• A Gazelle is not wooed by a ravenous Lion.

The scary thing about sharing some of the deep thoughts you have…or thoughts about faith, is that people will more than likely misunderstand you. They will be quick to justify this or that and tell you that your convictions are just negative views placed upon you by society or religion. I tend to feel that if one’s conscience is heavy about a subject it is best to let them do what they feel is correct before God and allow God to work it out in that person by either stripping it away, healing them, or strengthening them as they seek Him. *But not in forcing your convictions on others. (Romans 14)

- I tend to think about so many things sometimes that to others it seems very random or too much to think about at once. For that, if it is a struggle to follow this, I apologize. I have been thinking that there are many reasons to put your words down on paper, or in this case on the screen. It can help you see personal growth, help you to see where your thinking may not be correct, help a friend who may be going through similar situations, or I guess...I think it would be helpful sometimes for your children to read the things you struggle through as an adult/parent some day when they are grown up. Many times I have looked back and wished I had the discipline to journal regularly.



Often I catch myself living or "surviving-the-day" with wishful-hopes only. I can -live- each day with God instead of just surviving it to wake up the next day and do it all over again or wishing I would have found time to have “devotions”.
I can learn to trust God more fully each day and realize that it's not about MY time, but it's all His time. I need to stop myself from accepting the status quo and saying "someday everything will be...or some day everything will work out better".


I find it interesting that the bible says His mercies are new every morning. How cool is that and why can't we fully 'get it'? (Lam. 3:22-26)
I have heard many times people say "Live today, as if it were your last day." I used to think that was just another one of those sayings people said. Something to make people do something for someone else or to make you think they were smart, enlightened, or cool.
Today I sat and actually thought about that. What would I do differently if today -was- my last day? Would I be happy or sad? I have to say initially I would be sad. I suppose, as a mom, I feel entitled to grow up to an old age. To watch my children hit all their milestones, graduate, get married, and have children etc. Why do I feel that the quality of life my children will have would be lessened if I was gone? Is God not capable of meeting their needs? He was capable of meeting mine in my worst times.

~Then there are some days when I am defeated by what life has to offer and grateful that this is not all there is in life.~

My main concern would probably be that those around me would gain an understanding of who Jesus is if they don't know and that God desires us to be in relationship with Him. That they would have hope and the ability to Truly Live in this life knowing that we aren't born just to die. That they will know God and find freedom...truest love...and an amazing Joy and peace that passes all possible human understanding.
I greatly dream, and pray, that my Children will have a strong faith in God, that He will equip them with integrity, kindness, passion, and honesty.


What am I doing with my time? Much of it is spent on either taking care of my family or myself. The sad thing though is that my "care of self" is warped. I don't take care of myself in the ways I should. I don't brush my teeth as often as I should, I don't drink enough water(most days none at all), I don't eat healthy, and I don't exercise. I just make too many excuses.
One good, positive thing I had to force myself to do was to get into the word with “mom-bible study groups”. I have found that it's almost essential for stay-at-home mom's and working mom’s to find time to fellowship with other women/moms.
Otherwise, most of my "self-time" is spent wasted on things that, in the end, won't amount to anything. Stripping that away has been hard some days -trying to rationalize all the ways I can still do what I want and look for ways to 'fit in' what God wants. I'm still working on that, but I am thinking that there will be moments here and there when it will resurface if I don't keep my focus on God.
The opportunities when I can serve and share Christ are the best days...I wish sometimes I could do that every day, but I also love my family and enjoy my time with them. (Not meaning that they are seperate, but that I can't spend all my time at church, bible-studies, and serving or so much so that my home is neglected.)

Would…that I be fully healed as God sees fit to equip me to do a work that He would choose, not that I would choose, but that which I would entirely have to rely on Him to accomplish in order that I take no credit and all be done for and by Him through me, a willing vessel.

What shall I do then with Jesus who is called the Christ?

I'm going to post my last two notes from Facebook. I think I should start blogging here instead of there. I have some things on MySpace, some on FB, and some on here. I think it would be easier if I just kept it to one place perhaps. :)
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What shall I do then with Jesus who is called the Christ?
Tuesday, April 27, 2010 at 1:27pm (Facebook)
Subtract my craft and art abilities, subtract my love of being a mom, subtract all my talents and other helpful abilities, subtract my interests in computers, counseling, and wondering about school and careers and what is left, my deepest passion...is, to be honest, outreach evangelism.
I am not a gifted speaker of my own abilities...but I am often drawn to 2 Timothy 4:1-5 since even when I first became a Christian.

2 Timothy 4:1-5
(I solemnly charge you in the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who is to judge the living and the dead, and by His appearing and His kingdom : preach the word ; be ready in season and out of season ; reprove, rebuke, exhort, with great patience and instruction. For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine ; but wanting to have their ears tickled, they will accumulate for themselves teachers in accordance to their own desires, and will turn away their ears from the truth and will turn aside to myths. But you, be sober in all things, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry.)

I am wondering if I should pursue some type of schooling for this, but what will it mean for my family? Will this provide more expense than income(?)...well I suppose that's an obvious question. Ministry is about giving 100% and not about financial security. Why is it then that this whole concept was amazingly cool when I was a single young adult than when I was a mom with 4 kids under-foot? I'm not saying it isn't amazingly cool now...it's just that there are so many other things I have to be concerned with right now. Perhaps though this is a passion that will be fulfilled in another season of my life, when my children are older? But then I see that there are plenty of missionaries who have their children in all sorts of places. Why do I find it comfortable to raise my children in a predictable small town environment where they are "safe"?

I feel like everything I've gone through in the last 11 years has been very helpful in learning and healing. I have not always made the best choices in life, but God has never left me. I've had to pay for some of those choices, but I am so thankful that He swooped in and rescued me in my time of need. There have been times when I have wondered why I had to go through the things I did in my childhood and teen years, but God has given me such empathy for so many people that I am personally able to relate to.

I remember one evening I was standing on top of Granddad bluff in La Crosse, WI. and as I looked over the whole city I almost cried. I felt like just for a split second God gave me his eyes for the people in that city. My heart nearly burst with emotion and compassion.

I don't know exactly where God would have me, but for now I want to be able to pursue Him with my whole heart. I want to live in a manner worthy of the calling which I have been called. I desire freedom from insecurity, fear, depression, anxiety, and all the things that have bogged me down for too long and robbed me of the Joy that was given to me when I accepted Christ.

I don't want to worry that what I say is being judged by others or that I can't share my faith in fear that I would be rejected. There is far worse than rejection and I am more than familiar with feeling rejected. How much more joyful is it that I would be rejected for my belief in Christ than to live a life with no hope and also be rejected. For that I am thankful of the hardships I've had. It has strengthened me for I would suppose some future purpose.

I am thankful for all the blessings I have and the children that God has given me. I am truely more capable of true LOVE than I ever could understand in my brokenness before Christ. My Children have taught me more about patience, love, and God than I ever would have expected.

I am thankful for the volunteer opportunities at Cedarbrook...without which I would possibly have stopped coming because it was so much easier to say that it was "too hard to get there with all 4 kids on my own"...or "no one likes me there---I just don't fit in". I am excited for what my kids have learned there and hopeful that they will pursue a relationship with Jesus that is so much stronger than even my own.

I am thankful for the SAMmy's ministry in Menomonie...for the first year of branching out. Getting out of my comfort zone and isolation. Defeating the evil that said "no one likes you, you'll never be able to make friends with your peers", "everyone judges you as inadequate..."....making friendships in the community and building my faith in God as I dove head-first into the word again.
I am also thankful for this year in SAMmy's with the opportunity to lead a small group...this has also pushed me to go deeper in the word...to make a point to understand beyond surface level what the scripture is teaching. I am thankful for all the women who attend who have blessed my life with their experiences and wisdom.

I am thankful for the many years of "Mom's Group" at Cedarbrook...for the patience they showed me in all my insecurity, the struggles I wrestled through, the desert time in my faith, and the blessing of being able to build community with other moms and study things like Beth Moore's Breaking Free. I apologize for not trying harder to go deeper with friendships...but thankful yet again for the patience they had in my time of wrestling with trust issues and insecurity that stemmed from younger years. I am thankful for each and every one of you. You have imparted things into my life and faith whether you knew it or not.

I am thankful for my husband Aaron, who has put up with all the emotional baggage I have carried around for years. I am trying to be a better wife...but I can't do it of my own. God is working in me!!!

May God enable me as He see's fit and help me.

cute little application online

Saw this on someone's page and decided to make one. Can't set it up on my page in the coding so I'll just post it here for now. :)
Sam


My Family from WiddlyTinks.com