What shall I do then with Jesus who is called the Christ?

I'm going to post my last two notes from Facebook. I think I should start blogging here instead of there. I have some things on MySpace, some on FB, and some on here. I think it would be easier if I just kept it to one place perhaps. :)
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What shall I do then with Jesus who is called the Christ?
Tuesday, April 27, 2010 at 1:27pm (Facebook)
Subtract my craft and art abilities, subtract my love of being a mom, subtract all my talents and other helpful abilities, subtract my interests in computers, counseling, and wondering about school and careers and what is left, my deepest passion...is, to be honest, outreach evangelism.
I am not a gifted speaker of my own abilities...but I am often drawn to 2 Timothy 4:1-5 since even when I first became a Christian.

2 Timothy 4:1-5
(I solemnly charge you in the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who is to judge the living and the dead, and by His appearing and His kingdom : preach the word ; be ready in season and out of season ; reprove, rebuke, exhort, with great patience and instruction. For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine ; but wanting to have their ears tickled, they will accumulate for themselves teachers in accordance to their own desires, and will turn away their ears from the truth and will turn aside to myths. But you, be sober in all things, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry.)

I am wondering if I should pursue some type of schooling for this, but what will it mean for my family? Will this provide more expense than income(?)...well I suppose that's an obvious question. Ministry is about giving 100% and not about financial security. Why is it then that this whole concept was amazingly cool when I was a single young adult than when I was a mom with 4 kids under-foot? I'm not saying it isn't amazingly cool now...it's just that there are so many other things I have to be concerned with right now. Perhaps though this is a passion that will be fulfilled in another season of my life, when my children are older? But then I see that there are plenty of missionaries who have their children in all sorts of places. Why do I find it comfortable to raise my children in a predictable small town environment where they are "safe"?

I feel like everything I've gone through in the last 11 years has been very helpful in learning and healing. I have not always made the best choices in life, but God has never left me. I've had to pay for some of those choices, but I am so thankful that He swooped in and rescued me in my time of need. There have been times when I have wondered why I had to go through the things I did in my childhood and teen years, but God has given me such empathy for so many people that I am personally able to relate to.

I remember one evening I was standing on top of Granddad bluff in La Crosse, WI. and as I looked over the whole city I almost cried. I felt like just for a split second God gave me his eyes for the people in that city. My heart nearly burst with emotion and compassion.

I don't know exactly where God would have me, but for now I want to be able to pursue Him with my whole heart. I want to live in a manner worthy of the calling which I have been called. I desire freedom from insecurity, fear, depression, anxiety, and all the things that have bogged me down for too long and robbed me of the Joy that was given to me when I accepted Christ.

I don't want to worry that what I say is being judged by others or that I can't share my faith in fear that I would be rejected. There is far worse than rejection and I am more than familiar with feeling rejected. How much more joyful is it that I would be rejected for my belief in Christ than to live a life with no hope and also be rejected. For that I am thankful of the hardships I've had. It has strengthened me for I would suppose some future purpose.

I am thankful for all the blessings I have and the children that God has given me. I am truely more capable of true LOVE than I ever could understand in my brokenness before Christ. My Children have taught me more about patience, love, and God than I ever would have expected.

I am thankful for the volunteer opportunities at Cedarbrook...without which I would possibly have stopped coming because it was so much easier to say that it was "too hard to get there with all 4 kids on my own"...or "no one likes me there---I just don't fit in". I am excited for what my kids have learned there and hopeful that they will pursue a relationship with Jesus that is so much stronger than even my own.

I am thankful for the SAMmy's ministry in Menomonie...for the first year of branching out. Getting out of my comfort zone and isolation. Defeating the evil that said "no one likes you, you'll never be able to make friends with your peers", "everyone judges you as inadequate..."....making friendships in the community and building my faith in God as I dove head-first into the word again.
I am also thankful for this year in SAMmy's with the opportunity to lead a small group...this has also pushed me to go deeper in the word...to make a point to understand beyond surface level what the scripture is teaching. I am thankful for all the women who attend who have blessed my life with their experiences and wisdom.

I am thankful for the many years of "Mom's Group" at Cedarbrook...for the patience they showed me in all my insecurity, the struggles I wrestled through, the desert time in my faith, and the blessing of being able to build community with other moms and study things like Beth Moore's Breaking Free. I apologize for not trying harder to go deeper with friendships...but thankful yet again for the patience they had in my time of wrestling with trust issues and insecurity that stemmed from younger years. I am thankful for each and every one of you. You have imparted things into my life and faith whether you knew it or not.

I am thankful for my husband Aaron, who has put up with all the emotional baggage I have carried around for years. I am trying to be a better wife...but I can't do it of my own. God is working in me!!!

May God enable me as He see's fit and help me.