Wrestling with all the pain behind me, lonliness, and convictions. Seeing hope, but fearing it is too far beyond my reach.
There is a chasm between that cannot be crossed.
Keeping my heart guarded in the tallest tower, it's been broken over and over, but His Healing comes just enough to keep me with a pulse, my source of life-support.
What is this light that keeps trying to break in? This hope that is warm and foreign to me. My heart leaps within me at just the thought, but I force it to stay at arms reach, uncertain if this would bring ruin and pain that would not be matched by the hope and restoration and all those other things that I tell it to STOP...
...
I can't be the bearer of destruction...
But yet the one who sees all and knows all carries the keys to my heart.
I handed them over blindly before, perhaps despite His will, but one day after many years, I found a way to return them to Him as they were left sitting alone on a shelf, dusty and tossed about from time to time. There were moments when they were cared for, but not very often, or maybe the caretaker had not read the instructions and was unable to place them as a guard over my heart by the power of the One.
I am stronger now, for the struggles did not break me...although they came so very close at times. He has known the depths of my lonliness and sorrow, the measure of my hopes and faithfulness, the pride I placed in a vow unbroken despite it making me fully broken...
Would He afford His grace yet to me...
Or would I be better off remaining in this desert place for the sake of Him and my love for Him?
There is a healing oasis within sight...
Is my heart able to be mended, is there hope that it will ever know the life sustaining unity it was created to know in connection with God or am I being tested to remain patient?
Could His grace allow such a breaking beyond His design to the pain of my past sorrow in order to bless me as it hurts His heart to see the lost years overshadow my strength and purpose like a heavy chain upon my ankle. Pleas of desperation and heartache went unanswered.
Although despite this place, the turbulence and lonliness has also kept me tethered tightly to Him.
..only there were the darker years...when I felt so far away, that the time for eternal darkness would be better, but a treasure was entrusted to me.
Will He remove me if I attempt to consider the oasis or should I only consider Him alone as my oasis?
I know the answer before I ask, yet...would He have orchestrated this oasis despite all that would say no because He knows some future I can not see?
This conflict that rages within my heart must remain contained and at arms length, I must strive to do His will, yet this racing within won't go away. My sleep is restless, my thoughts are overwhelmed...although my fears provide the gate that separates me from my heart.
Time passes
...
I watch my heart begin to beat again and wonder, the smile on my face has been hidden so long, not any old smile...this one is different, like the type that sneaks up on you, when you meet your newborn baby for the first time and you are in awe that this tiny heart has been entrusted to you.
There are so many years of brokenness...
So much wear upon this house...
Healing will take a long season...
But...where do my feet go?
There is only one true healer of broken hearts.
But how long can I survive this current place? Do I remain strong out of pride? What of those entrusted to me? Is there any other choice to bring them healing as well?
Am I selfish for finally tending to my own soul...
Time has the answers and it will not be rushed.
I am battle torn and weary...
My hope remains in Him, but the struggle could take me under...I do not want to be cast away. I know He cares for my heart and wants all to come to Him.
Those entrusted to me are falling away...the snare of laziness as comfort and entitlement as normal has overtaken their former condition...
As I was entrusted at their dedication, which I did alone in the sight of God, the burden rests upon me to honor the commitment to raise them in the knowledge and love of our Creator.
Have I fallen short in hoping the burden was shared, yet one side of the house was broken and did not contain a safe shelter at all times.
It's hard to pull a cart with a broken wheel...but not for a lack of effort and MUCH desperation.
All that I treasure in this life rides upon this cart, but is this cart broken beyond repair?
There may be a much stronger cart, but it hasn't yet been built, can those entrusted to me make the difficult journey, or is it better to stay with the broken cart.
Do you not see the raging conflict within...the shattering of hopes and dreams contained upon the floor in a pile?
...I used to cling to that pile believing all could be restored.
His ways are not our ways...
The delicacy of a master surgeon is needed here, there may be many scars afterward...
God I place this in your hands and only ask that you will be our guide through the rough waters and yet extend your grace upon us, if nothing more than to benefit those entrusted to us.
I may be tossed about for a time, be my life line.
...
Help me strip away what pulls me away from you, something I have prayed over and over since the beginning...I know often what it is, yet the conflict remains within a vow....
God, this is bigger than me and I pray for peace and strength to be the champion.
So many have fallen away from my side as they couldn't stand to watch the darkness that clouded around me at times. They had advice that I was fearful to take because I didn't want to let . go . of . hope...
You knew me before I was born and have rescued me more than I deserve, over and over. Rescue me yet again, I want so much to know truest love. I want those entrusted to me to know Your love, to know your design for unity.
I will not rush in as the fool in heart as I know it should be Yours and only you can entrust it to another. Forgive my desperation and look kindly upon me. Please help me to follow your plan for my life. Please help me to know where to sacrafice my heart, for the best to be in those You love.
Help me to be brave.
I know I don't deserve this grace.
Please bless the oasis, bring your healing there. Let me know if the road and journey is open, or if a time of reconstruction is needed to connect the bridge...or, if it shall remain closed to me.
God help me through this wrestling...it could go so wrong if not under your care. Please guard my heart for me when I am too weak.
I thank you for all you have done and for this new hope to be explained, in your time, I give it to you and ask for your guidance. In Jesus name, Amen.
1:30-3:00 am 8-11-15
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